Blah , tired, sinus head ach i want a nap !

and i should be cleaning and packing leaving tomorrow after work for 5 days to KY to watch oldest daughter play ball ..
am still having anxiety about driving through the night and leaving the girls home with grandma for that many day . she can barley handle them for a few hours . i know they are nine and ten but they fight and it hard to deal with .. Randi has her own anxiety that stresses everyone out . it will be fun and a nice break from them from us . am closed until next tuesday .

Another week gone in summer gone ,down ............

wow it almost august already. our summer fly by with three in travel ball . son goes back to college in 4 weeks and the girls go back to school in like 6 weeks (oldest 5 weeks )
so oldest still gone with out us in KS she does not seem as home sick yesterday afternoon and today . or maybe she stop telling me that i said i was glad she missed us a little ...........? little girls in a tournament and guess what we have to be at fields at 7am ick i get tired of never i mean never sleeping pass 6:30 .. oh well some day i wont have anything to get up for so am grateful i do now .

i know i should not say this but what else could go wrong

well i guess wrong is the wrong word but first thing the morning i do what i do each day balance my check book and oldest daughter school took school payment twice 0ch and they actual say i own it which i think i do but i have never in four years had to make a double payment .just i just pay 12 months all year round etc ahh ok kind of got that fixed
my oldest in KS with out us and she home sick or her team sick or mom sick something and i feel bad . she there with another team playing and it was hard enough to send her with out me and or husband but she wanted to go and now she misses us .. poor thing .
The girls are fighting ready to sell them or something and we have a crazy next few days . they play in a tournament during the day thur and fri and then the week end . then Tuesday we going to leave in middle of night for KY to play more softball . thur , fri sat and Sunday ........ should be fun but a long 14 hour trip each way . having a little anxiety about it all drive , money oh yah we leaving girls at home with my mom . worry they wont behavior as they don't for me ...
just feeling a little over whelm today with it all ...
oh yah have interview tonight hope they show i called they say we still set but Monday change mine and only told me after i called her . hum

The week end blow by of course on a softball field and in my yard !

Hehe all the rain and windy my area had . all fine here ... Oldest daughter gone for a week with out us .. can say anxiety playing softball in KS Kaunas city . not much to report just trying to get through a few more softball trips and rest of summer .. kind of blah right now ..
worry about my son and next year in college i just don't want him to go two years or three and drop out and not really complete anything . am not sure how to guild him . i just remember around early middle school just hoping i get him through high school . now he starting his 2Nd year in college and well not sure he getting anywhere and completely understand what it all cost . how do you get him to see this and this is his future ?

Anyother busy week here

wow tomorrow already Thursday and i feel once again am a week be hide . am not sure how people do it all . with our busy life with three kids at home, work 50 hours , cleaning ,shopping ,appointments , softball .. that all i need to get back to do something i really should be doing .................

Happy Anniversary !

Well 17 years ago walked down a little church wedding with around 100 guess on a very hot day .. four brides maids and groom men . my Dad walked me down the isle and my parents gave me away .. Really what that mean . lol nice big party after . this story started 5 years to that day before as i knew my husband 5 yr to day before marriage .
So let be honest not sure how we made it this far and if we make it to the end . marriage is not easy every day .. well daily lively easy but long term seems harder . i do love my life and what we have together and share together but i wonder sometimes is it enough and what will happen in 10 or 20 years from now .. i know my husband would say dont worry about tomorrow and maybe i shouldn't . i know tho for us we get tied up in daily living and forget to be grateful for what right in front of us .. last year we tried to change a few small things but didnot really change anything and got back to living daily crazy life of raising four children .
i would not change a day up today as i am so grateful for our children and the life we have for them . (ok ok so what we do on 17th wedding Anniversary. ) i spent in Mankato with the girls playing ball and husband spent in mound with oldest daughter playing ball . thats what we done last five years at a ball field . we did go to dinner tonight with a gift card my mom gaves us .
so darling husband went out Saturday morning before we all had to leave and got me coffee , card and flowers . it was very sweet .
his card says "for our anniversary i got you this card that 'll remind you of me ........... (turn over doesnot open)it doesn't do what it is supposed to do either ....................

Am truely Greatful but i just wish sometimes ..............

What would yours be? mine be a little more money each week . i just once wish i could have more in savings , not worry about paying bills everyday bills , college bills and sport fees and private school . OK some of these are choices . so if i did not have any of these bills hum i have a lot more money each month to put into saving but these are things i have chosen to be important to our family . we don't drive new car we don't shop a lot we don't eat expensive foods . am actual pretty frugal that areas.
Am not sure it the choice we made over the years or the trades we are in or just plan simply had 4 kids why we don't have extra money . Is it something we learned ? i grow up in a house with money issue so why am i follow the same ? DH did not ? will our kids .
Don't get me wrong and it always works out and am grateful for the bills to complain about and the kids expenses to complain about

19th Birthday hapy birthday my first and only son

wow so weird we did not have dinner together , cake nothing . he left for camping trip with 6 friends (3 girls ) 4 guys omg mom anxiety lol . i had to think back when i went camping first time with boy girls i was 16 then continue until late teens .
so 19 years ago yesterday my water broke , and today at 2:52pm my son was born . he was 6lb 19oz 19inch long . i was so in love ,never could never know i could love something . he finish high school , 2nd year in college . where did that little busy soccer player or hockey player go...
i am very proud of the choices he made he a good kid , so far not much trouble . a huge heart sweet kind caring and loving kid and friend.
i was thinking though other day when do i stop worrying .. am i making to may choice for him still ? i just want to guild him to adulthood . weird as i was so on my own when i was 19 . not sure i made right choices and if i had more support it would of made better ones ?(my parents where there the best they could be at that time in there life. am not sure choice i make for him as i couldnot tell you know so maybe that not right word ..
well anyway i love you aar bear happy 19th birthday !!!!

So maybe teens are not so bad

it all control i know am a mother of control and i hate feeling out of control am sure that seems from my child hood as i had no control in an additive family . i had to create my own control (another post ) back to control of teen my son will be 19 on Monday i know i know i am only 25 still Carnot be right but he is . so first this week end which we are out of town he wanted some friends to stay here hum (two girls ) hum not when we are not home ok so they decide 6 of them are going camping just hit me boys girls camping . i know i know am getting old and so are they . i think the first time i went camping boys and girls i was 16 .
now my 16 yr old having a fit she got to come with us this week end and wants to stay home . now we did at 16 leave our son partly home for the week end but different children different sex ? maybe any way maybe next year i might die of a panic attack but some day i need to let her free .
Really am the kind of parent that lets her children have a enough room to hang them self a little with out hopeful getting to hurt and can still be there to pick up pieces . i grow up and so did dh with no rules tons of freedom to do what we wanted when and where . i think i want to find and keep the middle ground for our children . i hope we are